LOVE + LOSS

Loss is a challenging thing. It’s so complex and it’s different every time you experience it. My mom and I mourned the loss of my dad long before he passed away. Preparing for his death was more climactic than his actual passing, as he was ill for a very long time. He was diagnosed with ALS (Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis) which he first experienced symptoms of in 2000, but didn’t receive an official diagnosis until 2009. Although the slow progression of the illness provided us more time with him (18 years, to be exact), it also prolonged his eventual death, which was especially excruciating for him. Waiting to die is no way to live.

After making the brave decision to cease all medication and enlist the services of hospice care, my dad passed away on his terms: at home, peacefully, surrounded by the people and things he loved. ALS may have robbed him of his mobility and ability to live the rest of his life freely, but he decided when the battle was over. My mom gave him the best possible life he could've had, and cared for him diligently and gracefully until the very end.

For those of you who knew my dad, he was the very definition of unstoppable. He was always moving – he was wildfire. If he wanted to do something, he damn well did it, unapologetically and with full force. He loved his life and lived it to the fullest, and wanted everyone to be a part of his adventures.

I often times wished I’d gotten to know my dad outside of being his daughter. We shared quite a few traits (stubborn, short-tempered, critical, inflexible, to name a few…) so it felt like were always at odds. It wasn’t until my mid to late twenties that we began to patch things up, and I’m so glad that we did. I didn’t know it at the time, but our last words to each other were “I love you,” and that was an incredibly healing moment for both of us.

Despite our differences (or, rather, our challenges with being so similar) I’m thankful to have had such a strong figure in my life. Although not the most sensitive man (a former Marine), he taught me incredibly important life lessons and values that I will continue to utilize, and one day share with a family of my own.

I’m sad he’s no longer here, but I find solace in knowing that he isn’t trapped inside his own body anymore. He was suffering, and I know that wherever he is, he’s happy and at peace, because he’s whole again.

Whether you loved (or sometimes hated) my dad, one thing's for sure: he’s unforgettable.